Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Stalking is the sincerest form of flattery...

I'm huge in europe. I keep trying to tell KONA that, but they don't believe me. I thought I had met my ultimate super fan in Belgium (not the one with the unibrow, he likes Barb Howe) but apparently I have a couple here in North America.

I am back in Canada now (the west coast not PEI) so I should take the time to answer your questions seeing as you are such big fans and have done such a great job stalking me. Your efforts should be rewarded.

I have included the entire original post for your reading pleasure.

Windy Simms, hands down my favorite top pro mountain bike chick. Pictured here at a Cross race (although i DO NOT condone CX events, she looks pretty tough here. Like she could eat you.) I took a moment today to sketch out some questions for this World Class Athlete regarding her recent and continued assault on the World Cup Circuit.

I have found it tricky to contact her, especially since she is prepping for race #3 in Madrid. However, I did have a missed call on my cell today from a 902 area code. I called 411. They said that is a Canadian area code. Prince Edwards Island to be exact. Now Wendy is Canadian, so that could have been her. Thanks a lot, meeting chairperson, one missed call equals a lifetime of missed opportunity. Since Wendy is unavaible at this time (good luck to her for SURE though) Matt Freeman offered to step in and answer as best he could. Pretty close second I think.

Hi Joy,It’s Matt Freeman. Most people don’t know this, but I’m president of the Wendy Simms fan club. I don’t publicize it because she rides for Kona and I ride Fisher bikes, so it’s kind of a conflict of interest. Plus Wendy and I have never actually met, talked or even exchanged emails. In fact, I’m not allowed within 50 feet of the Kona truck and trailer at races anymore. Anyway, as you know Wendy is in Europe racing World Cups right now so she can’t answer your questions, but I can do my best. I’ve followed her long enough to know how she may answer.

J.O.B (Joy On Bike): Wendy, you used to ride for the Velo Bella Sorority Club, and now you are the token female on the Kona Factory Team. How do you feel about this transition?
MF: Since both teams ride Kona bikes it wasn’t much of change for Wendy at all. And I don’t like to consider her the token female on the team. I consider her more the queen bee or dominatrix.
WS: I was kicked off Velo Bella because I didn't wear enough "flare". Kona said I was the girl that looked best in orange so I made the team. The boys made me feel welcome though, they put a sticker on my locker that said "the girl" and gave me XL sized clothing to help me feel as skinny as them.

JOB: Did you select to race with these boys because they are all taller than you?
MF: Wendy raced cyclocross on the Kona Factory Team, so her transition to the mountain bike squad was seamless. It actually came about as a bet during a pick-up basketball game Wendy was playing with Ryan Trebon, Barry Wicks, & Chris Sneddon. Wendy dunked on Trebon & Wicks to earn her spot on the team. I got it all on film if you want to see it. She’s got hops.
WS: I just wanted to race with Ryan because he is so dreamy.
Lucky guess on the basketball MF - no points too easy

JOB: Do you break as many seat posts as they do?
MF: The last time Wendy broke a seat post she was riding a Specialized, so no, she doesn’t break seat posts! What kind of question is that anyway, Joy?
WS: I mostly break stuff when I smash it after getting angry because I suck as a mechanic. Nice pullout on the Specialized though MF - my first mountain bike. Bonus points for what colour it was and who gave it to me. Then I will let you sniff my chammy.

JOB: Do you find it stressful racing in the USA? Do you feel like your competitors constantly have the “Blame Canada” song running through their minds?
MF: Wendy doesn’t mind racing in the USA, just as long as it’s not in the Hell of the West otherwise known as Fontana. A couple of the Sobe Cannondale girls have been known to hum Blame Canada when Wendy puts the hurt on them, but for the most part Legs by ZZ Top runs through most people’s minds when Wendy’s around.
WS: how can it be stressful racing in the US? there is usually no technical riding on any of your courses....

JOB: A recent post on your blog has a hinney shot of a girl’s shorts that has “MOIST and CHEWY” emblazoned on them. Are they sponsored by some sort of Nougat?
MF: We (Wendy & I) aren’t really sure what the deal was with the “MOIST and CHEWY” shorts, but personally, I believe those shorts belong on Wendy and no one else.
WS: I was hoping for a brownie sponsor

JOB: Your blog also boasts fantastic race shots of the Pro men on your team. How do you find time to race your heart out, cool down, then hike to such places as the “snake pit” and “wolf drop” to support your teammates? Your resilience is enviable.
MF: Don’t let her fierce competiveness fool you. Wendy is selfless, loyal, and dedicated to her friends and teammates. Aside from her long legs and goddess good looks, that’s what makes her a beautiful person and a treat to be within 50 feet of her presence.
WS: I like to watch the mens races so I can feel like a total loser on my bike. Or to watch Ryan because he is so dreamy. MF has obviously never been closer than 50feet to me when I am hungry. This "beautiful person" can scratch your eyes out....

JOB: Do you find it difficult to get the mud out of your new, mostly white, racing kit?
MF: Wendy hasn’t actually had to wash any of her new white racing kits and skinsuits yet. Some weirdo keeps swiping them from the Kona trailer before she can get them home.
WS: Some wierdo keeps stealing my kits so I haven't had to wash any yet....

JOB: You got a new bike, and I must say, its pretty much the cat’s meow. What’s the history on the skull and cross bones on the down tube?
MF: The skull and cross bones is a superstitious thing that is meant to scare off her men male suitors. It only works on some of us.
WS: Reminds me to be a badass on the bike. Otherwise I might forget.

JOB: You had an unfortunate run in with fate in Arizona with a crash in STXC and a flat in the XC race. What were 7 things that went through your mind as you hiked your bike back to the pit areas?
MF: I can’t really read Wendy’s mind, but she was probably thinking about how hot it was because the sweat was glistening all over her body. She also kept looking back, so she probably knew that she was being followed.
1. Who the hell is that nutbar on the Fisher following me?
2. I hope I don't starve to death out here.
3. Good thing I won't freeze to death out here.
4. stupid pretty flowering desert plants giving me allergies
5. crazy lizards
6. what can i use to fight that nutbar on the Fisher that is getting closer?
7. is that a vulture?

JOB: I see your biggest fears in life are starving to death and freezing to death. Let us understand a little bit more about these phobias.
MF: I too read this on Wendy’s blog and was delighted because those two things are my biggest frears also. This is what draws me even closer to her. Although, if I did have to starve or freeze to death, I’d want it to be with Wendy.
WS: Hopefully MF has some sweet calves and an extraordinary large abdominal cavity because if I am with him when I am starving to death I am going to eat him and if I am with him when I am freezing to death I will cut him open and crawl inside to stay warm.

JOB: I completely agree with this statement from your blog: “In other news. I gave up on my chocolate boycott. It wasn't helping. Perhaps even hindering my results. I think my glycogen stores were depleted without chocolate to top them off. Seriously. I think I race better on chocolate.” What was your first choice of chocolate? Walk us through that initial bite.
MF: I can’t answer this for sure, but I’d like to think Wendy caved with some good old fashion chocolate syrup. You know, the kind that sometimes spills and you have to lick it off your arm. I’m thinking that’s the kind of chocolate Wendy likes.
WS: Neuhaus chocolate - caprice triangle - dark. For $129euros you too can have them delivered to your door. Syrup is for pansies. Who like to lick arms.

JOB: I like your style. When “Susie Colnago” pulled a fast one, you wanted to punch her in the head. Solid. You said video footage could be found from Newt. Who is this guy? Where can he be found? And can we watch that video ASAP?
MF: Newt, or Newton, as he’s known to the authorities is another one of Wendy’s admirers who follows her (from a court-mandated 50 foot distance) and films her every move. For some unapparent reason that I can’t figure out, Wendy has taken a liking to him and now allows him to fetch her chocolate, lattes, etc. It’s kind of like that paparazzi photographer guy that Britney Spears has let slip into her life. It’s driving me nuts because Newt really doesn’t care for Wendy. He’s just trying to make a buck off of her.
WS: coming soon to youtube I am Dad is first in line.

Nice work superfans. Impressive research. BUT you are not a Jedi yet.
one strike. I dont't drink coffee


Matt said...

Hi Wendy,
My calves are 14” in diameter. They’d be larger, but coffee stunted my growth. My pecs would probably hold you over until help arrives.

JOY said...

I don't know which made me laugh more, writing the original or reading your answers. Time well spent!

Mical said...

That's awesome Wendy :)

Nathan said...

Careful Wendy, he's a singlespeeder, all gristle and rotten liver.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, that was so funny!!!! It must be wicked to be so huge to have a stalker!